Christmas Poem

Christmas is bullshit.
Yes, its true.
Its all made up,
A load of poo.
There is no Santa.
Jesus is dead.
Put away your tinsel
And go to the Med.


Christmas is bullshit.
Its never some fun.
Sit next to Granddad 
and your farting Mum.
You eat too much dinner
and get shit you don't want.
Its like being invited
to bed with Donald Trump.


Christmas is bullshit.
They say its a laugh
Full of joy and peace
but I think its quite naff.
The tree is all plastic
and the mince pies are stodgy
and that X BOX you got
is off the back of a lorry and quite dodgy.


Christmas is bullshit.
I know you agree.
I could tell when you left table
to go for a wee.
The look on your face
really gave it away
that you think this is such
a god awful day.


Christmas is bullshit.
Its all so not a jape
and the presents have been wrapped
in industrial strength tape.
You pull this way and that 
and look like a twerp
and you can't get inside them
you flippin great berk!


Christmas is bullshit.
I won't tell you again.
Its like finding out you must climb
to the top of Big Ben.
So no peace on the Earth
and good will to all Men.
Get stuffed the lot of you!
I want to keep to mi' sen!*



* "Mi' sen" is Nottingham dialect for "myself".